Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Couch. On fire.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
