You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
