I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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