Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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