so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
