I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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