she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
