im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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