I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
