i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
