Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
