I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
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He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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