Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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