Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
