I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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