I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
