My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
