You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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