two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I checked into jail on foursquare
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
