He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
