You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
