My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
