So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
