So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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