Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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