everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
