I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
