I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
