My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
