I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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