You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You are a genius and a whore.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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