i wish starbucks made bloody marys
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
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