why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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