Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
