Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
why didn't you poke me back
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
