Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just found puke in my bra..
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
