There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I know her cup size but not her name....
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
