i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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