how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you have to choose: penises or morals?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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