remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
