just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
