i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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