I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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