sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
