If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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