I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
