I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
