oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
