sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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