She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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