If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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