I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
