dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
That reminds me...we need to get swords
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
