Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
