This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
