Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
