and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Found your dick twin last night
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
