Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
