I will die if light touches me.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
