Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
