The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
