theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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