My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
3pm strippers are depressing
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
