Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
